


Beautiful Intentions

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, Hurt, Lies, M/M, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:56:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14912355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Ryosuke was tired.He was tired of that rhythm, tired of ending up on those sheets every night, tired of having to brush his skin hundreds of times before finally feeling clean again.





	Beautiful Intentions

Yamada let his head roll back into the pillow.

Moaning slightly for the pain in his back, he turned to look at the clock on the nightstand.

Two and a half in the morning.

As far as it concerned him, the night was over. He wouldn’t have even gotten up from the bed, hadn't he needed to wash up and change the bedding.

He dragged his feet to the bathroom, letting the hot water run and waiting only a short while before getting in.

Feeling the water slide down his hair and shoulders made him feel better, somehow.

Ryosuke was tired.

He was tired of that rhythm, tired of ending up on those sheets every night, tired of having to brush his skin hundreds of times before finally feeling clean again.

But he never complained about it, not once. He was the one who had chosen that road, and he couldn’t say he wasn’t earning enough to allow himself something nice from time to time.

What weighed the most on him, maybe wasn’t even having to sell out his body like that, but the loneliness that he felt as a constant during the day.

He felt alone when he woke up in the morning in that empty bed, he felt alone while he let his day go bay, and when at night he roamed through the rooms of that night club he knew inside and out, waiting for the sly eye of one of the customers to rest upon him.

He felt alone whenever he felt them push inside his body and when they left, and he was alone in that bed all over again.

Yamada had always had a very clear idea as to how he would've liked to live his life, and the one he was currently living wasn’t what he had imagined in his rosiest dreams, but it was the best he could’ve made of himself.

Once he was done washing up, sure that he was clean again, he got out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his hips.

He tiredly changed the bedding, then he collapsed on the mattress, without even bothering to blow-dry his hair.

Laying with his face up, he stared at the ceiling waiting to fall asleep, aware that it was going to be as hard as any other night.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw again each of the hands that had touched him, and he saw those angry mouths, and those lascivious smiles, and he heard their voices.

Those accompanied him during the days as well, and refused to leave him alone.

Brushing a hand over his face, as to drive the bad thoughts away, Ryosuke sighed.

It took him over an hour to finally fall asleep, and even when he did, his nightmares were filled of the same thoughts haunting him during the day.

Getting some rest, as usual, was impossible.

 

~

 

Even though Daiki had moved to Azabu a little over a month ago, it hadn’t taken him long to get accustomed to it.

The neighbourhood was nice, domestic, despite the short distance from Roppongi. He had familiarised himself with the shops and coffee places, a few clubs, and he started to recognize more and more people which lived there.

He was proud of himself.

When they had offered him a job for a small paper in Tokyo, he hadn't been really sure he would've made it.

He had lived his whole life in a small city in the Shizuoka prefecture, and he was afraid he wasn’t going to make it at the capital city’s pace, which instead had bene easier than he would've thought.

Right now he was inside a conbini, choosing something for dinner, and it was right then that he saw him.

While for most of the regulars at the store he had had a hard time burning their features into his mind, that guy had made quite an impression since the first time he had seen him.

He had met him there a lot of times, a few others at the coffee shop or at the dry-cleaners.

They had started greeting each other after the first week, and a few days after that they had introduced themselves.

Daiki was fascinated by him. He liked his relaxed attitude, he liked how he always seemed to be in a good mood, he liked how easily it was for him to talk to him, even though up until now their conversations hadn't been more than a few minutes long.

He reached the aisle where he was, with the precise intent of greeting him, and he put a hand on his shoulder to make him turn.

“Hi!” he said with an open smile, bowing his head a little.

Yamada looked startled for a split second, but then he quickly smiled back.

“Arioka-kun!” he said, bowing his head back. “Dinner supplies?” he asked, nodding toward the pre-cooked ramen in the elder’s hands.

Daiki winced and nodded.

“Yes. I'm in no mood to cook tonight. And anyway...” he brought a hand to the back of his head, uncomfortable. “Even if I wanted to, I’m not the greatest cook ever.” he admitted, then he tried to quickly shift the subject. “What about you? What are you doing tonight?” he asked, biting down on his tongue once he realized the ambiguity of his question.

But he didn’t clarify what he meant, and waited for the other man to answer.

Yamada shrugged, chuckling.

“I think I’ll go with ramen as well.” he said, then he threw him a sly smile. “And tonight I’m busy. Working.” he added, answering to both the meanings of the elder’s question.

Daiki nodded, blushing, and then kept quiet, unsure as to how to go on.

In the end, it was the younger to speak again.

“Now I better go. I have to rush home to eat, else I'm going to be late. He said, heading toward the check-out, then he seemed to change his mind and turned toward him again. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Arioka-kun.” he told him, his smile mischievous, and then he left, leaving him in the middle of the aisle with a puzzled look on his face.

Only when he saw him leave the conbini, Daiki smiled.

He had adjusted to the neighbourhood better than he thought.

And to make that even better, all he had to do was to get out a little more often.

Then, if it would've happened to meet Yamada Ryosuke again, he told himself, all for the better.

 

~

 

Yamada was thinking.

It happened often, at times like these.

He felt yet another faceless body thrust brutally inside of him, he felt the pain pervade him and he tried to suffocate it in his thoughts, trying to distract himself.

What was sex, for him?

When he was still in school, he had been with a couple of guys. It had meant nothing for him, even less for them, but it had been his choice.

He had liked it, but not enough to match that ideal commonly recognized as sex.

Now that he sold himself, it had an even lesser meaning for him; his body was just merchandise, it was but a tool in the hands of always different men which had bought for themselves the right to use him as they pleased.

Ryosuke didn’t like it, but it had never seemed to him like they did much either.

Oh, they got aroused, a lot; they had their fun with him, they never failed to tell him how good he was, and how good it had made them feel to use him, but in the end it was business for them too.

Yamada was only a shelter from their frustrations, an outlet for that lack of power they felt outside those walls, and it had never really been much about sex.

He had always wondered what it meant to fall in love, and be with the person he would've chosen, without feeling used, without feeling like an object.

He laughed, for time to time, at such frivolous thoughts, but he kept wondering.

Those questions had become more persistent lately, and he knew just why.

He liked Arioka Daiki, somehow.

Not that he had never talked much to him, and he met him only around the neighbourhood, but he had made enough an impression for Ryosuke to find him interesting, like he hadn't found someone in a very long time.

He wished he could’ve told him something, that he could get closer than he currently was. He wished he could’ve asked him out, like a normal person, with a normal job and a normal life.

The mere fact that he couldn’t reminded him of his place and his boundaries.

He focused on his client again only when he realized he was about to climax; he forced himself to come as well, which he had gotten pretty good at, to give him the illusion that he had liked this, to let him bask in that feeling of almightiness that never lasted more than a few minutes, but that represented what he was paid for.

The man then pulled quickly out of his body, getting dressed and muttering a goodbye, leaving Ryosuke behind.

Yamada had seen the ring, and had smiled.

He wondered how that man’s wife was, and what could possibly be so wrong with her to lead him to a whore.

He wondered why he had married her and what he felt when he fucked her.

But it was none of his business, after all, what happened outside of his apartment’s walls.

Sex was business, and once he was done all the had to do was check on the money he had made that night and wait for the next one.

And then lying himself to sleep, telling everything was fine just like this.

 

~

 

Daiki had blushed. Heavily.

He didn’t know what had gone through his mind, but right now all he hoped was for that silence to cease right away, whatever the younger’s response may be.

He had crossed paths with Yamada down the road to his apartment, he had waved at him and had stopped to talk to him.

He didn’t know what had been the process which had led him from chit-chat to a lunch invitation, but now that he had done that he couldn’t say anything else, he could only wait for the younger to answer and hope that he wasn’t going to think he was crazy for asking, since they barely knew each other.

Ryosuke had kept quiet for a few minutes now, staring at him as if he was trying to make a decision.

In the end he had smiled, sadly, and Daiki knew before he spoke.

“I'm sorry, Arioka-kun.” he murmured, staring intently at the sidewalk. “I don’t know if having lunch together is a great idea. I...” he bit his lip, uselessly trying to explain why he was refusing.

And as much as Daiki kept thinking he should’ve apologised for even asking, tell him it didn’t matter and leave, there was something in the younger’s voice that prevented him from doing so.

It didn’t look like he didn’t feel like it, more that he was denying it to himself for some reason that he couldn’t understand.

Smiling shyly, he shrugged.

“It’s just lunch, nothing too binding. We could have some ramen. Or gyoza. I promise, it won't take more than an hour.” he tried to tempt him, seeing his doubt grow.

“It’s not that, I’ve got nothing to do till tonight. It’s just that...” once again he paused, looking at him with a tormented look on his face.

“Do you have a girlfriend? Or boyfriend?” Daiki tried again, clueless as to why he was hesitating. “Because if that’s the case I swear, I have no bad intentions.”

He didn’t know whether the younger was convinced or not, but he had managed to make him laugh.

“No, I’ve got no one who has a say about whom I have lunch with.” he said, and Arioka barely held back a relief sigh at the information. “Fine, you’ve convinced me. Let’s go eat something, I'm starving.” he caved, and smiled to him a bit more openly.

“Perfect. Is there something you feel like eating?”

“Gyoza. There’s a nice place a few blocks from here.” the younger answered quickly, walking down the road while the other man followed. “Oh, Arioka-kun, were you serious when you said you have no bad intentions?” he asked then, feigning nonchalance.

Daiki arched an eyebrow, trying to avoid blushing again.

“Maybe. Why?”

Yamada chuckled, shaking his head.

“Nothing. It’s just too bad.” he said, leaving the elder completely speechless.

They walked for a few minutes before reaching the restaurant Ryosuke was talking about, and once inside they ordered straight away.

Daiki was more hungry than he though, or perhaps it was just the sudden excitement of having the other man with him.

They made small talks until they were served, and then they started eating quietly.

After the first couple of bites, it was Yamada who spoke.

“Did you adjust well in the neighbourhood?” he asked, sipping from his glass of water and looking into his eyes, with a curious face that Arioka found adorable.

“Yeah, well enough. It’s quite nice, not too big not too small. And I’ve got all I need close to my place.” he explained, taking another bite.

“It’s true. Since I’ve moved here, I’ve always liked it too.” he swallowed, then went on. “Where did you use to live?”

“Oyama, Shizuoka prefecture. It’s a pretty small town, nothing like Tokyo. I worked at the local paper, nothing much, and when they offered me a job here I took the chance. And I think I got it pretty good.” he bit his lip, remembering what the younger had told him a few nights before. “What is it that you do? I take it you work nights, right?”

Yamada took a long pause before answering, but Daiki was all taken by the gyoza and didn’t find it weird.

“Yes. I work at a club in Roppongi. I'm... I'm a bartender.” he said, his voice less cheerful now.

And after that he kept quiet, and Daiki couldn’t ignore anymore that there was something wrong.

He didn’t ask anything else, because if it had been something he wanted to talk about he would've done just that; he kept glimpsing at him, confused.

Once they were done eating they got up, slowly walking outside.

“Thank you for lunch, Arioka-kun.” Ryosuke said with a  little bow and, finally, a smile.

“That’s fine. And anyway, I think we should have it less formal than ‘Arioka-kun’, don’t you think so?” he asked, allusive.

Yamada smiled slyly, tilting his head.

“I wouldn’t know, Arioka-kun. I could call you Daiki, or even Dai-chan, but I think it would be too much, we don’t really know each other so well. After all, you said you have no bad intentions toward me.” he told him, mischievously.

Daiki sighed, theatrically, and didn’t get embarrassed by that statement.

“So, if I were to ask you out again to know each other a little better, can I hope for a Dai-chan?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

Ryosuke laughed, again, and it seemed to the elder like the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Then he nodded, confidently.

“We’ll start with Daiki. Let’s see if you can impress me.” he conceded, then he headed toward home, the elder following him straight away.

Arioka tried to stop smiling, but it was really hard.

He would've settled for Daiki, he would've settled for anything.

He just needed to be sure he could see him again, and to show him that his intentions weren’t so innocent, after all.

Like, he was sure, Yamada’s weren’t either.

 

~

 

Ryosuke knew that what he was doing was wrong.

He had realized right away he should’ve stirred away from him, but as much as he had tried the fact of meeting him around the neighbourhood and the interest the elder seemed to have in him had played to his disadvantage.

In the end he had caved, and he had felt horribly guilty for that.

After the first time they had had lunch together, they had met a few other times for coffee or for lunch again, and sometimes they had met accidentally around, ending up spending more time together.

That night though, Yamada was free, and he had decided to hell with qualms and to take the initiative, asking the elder out for dinner.

And it had been damn good.

They had talked, he had listened to him telling about his life and what he did in Shizuoka, then Ryosuke had told him something about himself, all he could, omitting that part he couldn’t talk about, but trying not to make the fact that he never spoke about work stand out.

Now that they were walking home, Daiki had taken his hand, and Yamada hadn't hesitated and had held it.

He felt a whole different person compared to what he had been during the past two years.

Once they reached the building where he lived he had unwillingly let go of his fingers, taking out his keys and feeling embarrassed, all of a sudden. “Want to come up?” he asked then, lowering his eyes on the sidewalk, avoiding the other’s stare on him while he answered.

“I’d love to.” Arioka said, his voice almost sweet, and Yamada felt like screaming.

It was want he wanted to hear, sure, but it had been wrong to even ask.

They walked inside and took the elevator to his floor, and once inside his apartment Ryosuke asked himself what he was doing.

What right did he have to ask for something so normal?

What right did he have to invite a man to his place, acting like they could ever have a future?

He was a whore, after all.

He didn’t invite anyone to his place, they just went there because they had asked, because they demanded it in exchange for money.

He couldn’t be in a relationship, because no man was ever going to accept being with used goods, with someone who led that kind of life, with someone who had rendered his own body merchandise.

And Daiki was different from all the men with whom he had crossed paths until now, he managed to make him forget who he was and what he did, and if on one had it was something attractive for Yamada, on the other it made him wish he had never met him.

He turned to look at him, and was about to ask him if he wanted something to drink when he felt the elder’s hands on his hips, pushing him against a wall and letting his body press against his own, his face mere centimetres from his.

Yamada was ready to kiss him, to forget the reason why he shouldn’t have, and he leant toward him, save being stopped by one of the elder’s hands on his face.

Daiki brushed his fingertips over it, tracing his features, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, brushing his lips and his chin, moving down to his neck.

“I don’t know what is it you do to me.” he told him, his voice hoarse. “But you’re beautiful.” he said, and just then he left him room for movement, kissing him first, tightening the hold on his hips, meeting that mouth and opening his own, letting the younger’s tongue find his, playing with it, insatiable.

Yamada’s hips jerked toward him, wanting him closer already, wanting for him to erase from his body the marks of what many before him had done to him during the past years.

Still kissing him, Daiki freed him from his pants, careful not to let his hands touch his cock, determined to make him sweat for it.

Groaning, Ryosuke did the same with him, then he undid his shirt quickly, anxious.

Daiki parted from him, panting, and then Yamada took the initiative and grabbed his wrist, dragging him toward the living room.

He put his hands on his shoulder, pushing until he was sitting on the floor, getting down with him and forcing him to lay down, then he straddled him.

He let the elder watch him, and Daiki seemed to be unable to tear his eyes off of him while he caressed his chest, his abs, his legs, restless, testing his skin’s texture and starting a slow motion with his hips, letting Yamada feel his cock against him.

Ryosuke closed his eyes briefly, relishing that feeling a little while longer, then he opened them again and slipped further down on his legs, then leant over him.

He undid the first button of his shirt, slowly, while his tongue traced a path from his throat to that patch of now naked skin, going even lower as the piece of clothing opened under his hands, biting him from time to time, enjoying hearing his moans get louder as he moved down.

Once he was done with the shirt he brought his hands to his hips, caressing them in a circular motion, purposefully teasing.

He brushed his face over the elder’s cock, still constricted by his boxers, and allowed himself to laugh a little for his disappointment.

“Ryo...” he whined, but the other didn’t hear anything but his name pronounced by his voice, and finding out how much he liked it did nothing but increase his arousal.

“Dai-chan?” he said, smiling, calling like that for the first time, getting up enough to free him from his underwear, then doing quickly the same with himself.

He brought his face back to his groin, wrapping his fingers around his cock, stroking it slowly before tonguing tentatively at the tip, trying to burn in his mind every detail of those moments, every chocked moan, everything of his skin and his taste, trying to restrain the desire of having everything right now.

He wrapped his lips around him, moving his tongue on it, trying to follow the path of the veins on it, pushing himself further until he felt the head against his throat, relaxing his muscles and starting to suck on the heated skin, moving his hand on what was left outside of his mouth, driving the elder crazy, making so that he could think about nothing that wasn’t him or his mouth, what he was doing, how good it felt.

And it was what Yamada wanted: feeling necessary, feeling desire, without being just a replacement, something that had been accepted, not wanted or chosen.

He went on for a little while longer, letting Daiki slip from his mouth once he realized he was too close, and went back straddling him.

“I'm sorry.” he said, bringing his mouth to his ear. “But it wouldn’t have been fun, right?”

Daiki shook his head, still vaguely irritated for the orgasm that had been denied to him, and he lasciviously brushed a hand over Yamada’s lips, letting him open them, feeling his tongue on his fingers, managing to have him do something which was both useful and sensual, sucking on them like he had just done with his cock.

A little while later he brought his hand to his ass, barely teasing his opening, and Ryosuke leant toward that touch, impatient.

The first finger met little to none resistance, and so a second one followed right after. 

The younger let go against the other’s body, panting, moving toward his hand and searching for any form of contact between his still ignored cock and Daiki’s skin, unaware of the sly smile on the elder’s face.

Certain that he was meaning to keep teasing, he decided to take the initiative; he moved fast, letting the elder’s fingers slip outside, moaning for the abrupt feeling of emptiness, and then he straddled him properly, unceremoniously grabbing his cock and bringing it against himself, propping himself up on his legs and then lowering slowly, impaling himself on him.

He rolled his head back, relishing that feeling as if it was something brand new for him.

And, perhaps, it truly was.

Once Daiki had bottomed out, Ryosuke felt completely unable to move again, and the other must’ve realized that as well; he sat up, letting Ryosuke wrap his legs around him, letting him feel it deeper.

He held onto his waist, helping him to move on top of him and meeting the roll of his hips with thrusts upwards, again and again, sinking inside of him, their joined movements making it deeper, harder.

Ryosuke brought his arms around Daiki’s neck, moving against him, letting their bodies press together, adding the feeling of his scorching hot thing to the list of what was driving him completely insane.

He rolled his hips, feeling the elder’s hand around his cock, stroking it fast, at the same pace he was keeping inside of him.

Close to his limit, Yamada clawed Daiki’s back, biting down on his shoulder and coming on his hand and against his stomach, his scream barely suffocated by the other’s skin.

Arioka slowed down enough to give him time to recover, and then started to move again, faster, and it didn’t take him long to climax as well, inside of him, hot, making Yamada feel complete.

The younger kept still for a little while longer, slowly and unintentionally rolling his hips, feeling him soften inside of him and just then getting off his lap, slipping on the cold floor and lying down, an arm over his eyes to shield them from the bright light coming from the ceiling.

Was that how it felt like, then?

He was glad of the mistake he had just made, he was glad he had done the wrong thing, if it had made him feel so good.

All he wanted was a moment of tenderness, and even if he had had it through sex it had at least let him discover that it didn’t always have to be the same, that a man could actually see something alive in his body, something to which make feel pleasure, something worth making an effort for.

And Daiki had done just that, finally, the first one after a long list of many who hadn't even tried.

He rolled on his hip, propping his head up on his hand and looking at the elder, who was still trying to bring his breathing back to a regular pace.

“I had warned you.” Arioka said, heavily. “That my intentions might’ve not been so noble.” he joked, stretching an arm toward him and letting it around his shoulders, pulling him closer until the younger rested his head on his chest.

“You think? They seemed perfectly fine to me.” he replied, chuckling and backing in the feeling of his warm skin against his own, and in the residual pleasure that wasn’t leaving his body.

He let Daiki hold him and rock him, they stayed on the floor a little while longer and then moved to the bedroom, and Yamada let the elder take him again, again relishing the feeling of those hands and that mouth on him, and that pleasure that for once he had chosen to give.

Yamada knew it wasn’t going to last, but for that night he was going to mess with his own life, and he would've gone on following his instinct only.

And as a reward for that dare, as he closed his eyes he managed for the first time in years to fall asleep straight away, cradled by the sound of Daiki breathing.

 

~

 

Daiki felt good.

His life had changed so quickly that he had had a hard time realizing it, but whenever he had a minute to stop and think about what had happened, he couldn’t really make reason of his feelings.

Yamada had become a part of his daily routine, and he had because Daiki had wanted him to, and he hadn't regretted that decision.

They had met many times after that first date, always during the day, always ending up at one of their apartments, jumping each other like starving animals, without that making them feel awkward with themselves.

Daiki didn’t need sex from Ryosuke, but he needed to feel the younger belonged to him, to feel him close, to get something to make up for those hours he couldn’t spend with him, knowing already he was going to miss him.

After a little over three weeks he had confessed he loved him, and the look both happy and guilty on the other’s face had confused him, but still he didn’t regret having told him.

Now, over a month later, Daiki had no doubt about what they felt for each other, and it was that clarity he needed.

That night, like many others, he had stayed home without knowing how to kill time. From time to time he checked his phone, waiting for a mail from Ryosuke telling him he had gotten back home, but the younger hadn't written yet.

More bored and agitated than usual, then, he had grabbed his jacket and had gotten out, as if a bad feeling had taken a hold of him.

Yamada had told him where he worked, and once he had also pointed the building to him when they had walked by, but he hadn't wanted to get closer.

It was close to their neighbourhood, a little over a kilometre, and Arioka walked there, so as to give himself time to realize it was the wrong move and get back.

He wasn’t an idiot, he had seen of reluctant Ryosuke was when he talked about work.

And wanting to respect that, he had never asked too many questions, but that hadn't killed the curiosity of wanting to know just why Yamada felt so uncomfortable about it.

Once he got outside the club he stopped, staying on the other side of the road.

He hesitated, and he was right to.

He didn’t know whether Yamada would've gotten mad for that intrusion in a place where he had let him see he didn’t want him.

And yet.

Sighing, he crossed the street and walked inside the dark glass door, ending up in a whole different world.

He had never been big on that kind of clubs, and he also doubted there was something like that in the whole Shizuoka prefecture.

The music was loud but not deafening, and the bluish lights blurred the contours of everything, making it hard to get oriented inside that unknown place. There was something in the general atmosphere that seemed off somehow, even though he couldn’t quite grasp the feeling.

He got closer to the counter, leaning forward and looking for Yamada, not managing to see him.

“Want something?” a bartender asked him, looking suspiciously at him, realizing just how much Daiki’s appearance clashed with the whole club’s scene.

Arioka shook his head, frowning.

“Nothing, thanks.” he replied, quickly. “I’m looking for Yamada Ryosuke. Can you tell me where I can find him?” he asked, holding his breath and waiting for the guy to answer, even though he couldn’t explain why he was doing it.

“Yamada?” he replied, confused. “Tonight he’s gone home already.” he said, cryptic, then he turned his back on him and addressed to another client, sitting a little farther.

Daiki opened his eyes wide, concern turning to anxiety.

Why hadn't he called?

He had never been the apprehensive type, but he knew that there had to be a good reason if the other hadn't called as usual.

And if he had just forgotten it didn’t matter, but he had to know that he was okay.

He got out of the club quickly, grabbing his phone and dialling Ryosuke’s number.

The phone was disconnected.

His heart pounding in his chest, he headed back to Azabu, trying to call him again and getting the same result.

When he finally reached his building he closed his eyes, trying to calm down; then he saw a girl getting out and keeping the door open for him, so he got in and climbed the stairs to the man’s floor, too anxious to take the elevator.

He knew there was no reason to react like this, but he just couldn’t help it.

He hadn't liked the club, he hadn't liked the bartender, he hadn't liked the fact that Ryosuke hadn't called like he had done every other night.

And he didn’t like that feeling in his chest, that he had whenever he thought the younger was keeping something from him, and now that he was close to finding out what it was he didn’t know if he actually wanted to.

But he gathered up his strengths and rang the bell.

Once, twice.

Then he finally heard steps, and when Yamada opened the door he gasped, horrified.

The younger had only a shirt on, buttoned up messily, as if he had worn it just to come to the door.

“Daiki!” he uttered, horror in his voice. “What the hell are you doing here? I...” he started, but was interrupted by the rushed shape appearing behind his back.

The man seemed to having gotten dressed up quickly as well; his hair were a mess, and his face guilty.

He walked past them with his eyes low on the floor, muttering that he must leave and whispering a ‘goodbye’ to Yamada that sounder too informal to Daiki.

The elder tried to calm down, but he realized very soon it was impossible.

The younger’s eyes were on the floor too, and he saw a few tears on his face, but he didn’t concern himself for that.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Yamada murmured, his voice hoarse, guilty, contradicting what he had just said.

“Then tell me what this is.” he replied, angrily, pushing him inside and slamming the door behind his back.

That bad feeling had been right, after all.

And yet, as bad as it could’ve been, Daiki would've never imagined something like that.

 

~

 

Yamada stood in the middle of the living room, the elder in front of him, his arms crossed and his face cold.

This was the moment he had been scared of for the past few weeks, the moment when he would've proven how big of a mistake he had done.

The one that was going to show you that, after all, he had none of the rights he had claimed for himself when he had decided to be with Daiki.

His eyes moved to the money the client had abandoned on the coffee table in front of the couch before running from the apartment, and he saw that Daiki was looking at them too.

There was no way he could talk his way out of it, nor he wanted to keep lying to him.

Because he loved him, damn he did, and he had never wanted to lie to him, even though he had been forced to.

All he could hope for was that the elder would've understood his motivations, and that would've granted him forgiveness, telling him that it could be fixed and...

And what was there to hope for Ryosuke, with that disgust on Arioka’s face?

“Have you got something to say?” Arioka murmured, without looking him in the eyes, his voice doing nothing to mask the anger.

“I'm sorry.” was all he could say, trying not to cry, because he didn’t deserve tears.

Daiki scoffed, getting closer and taking his face in his hand, forcing him to look up.

“Is that all you have to say? That you’re sorry, Ryosuke?” he asked, sarcastic, letting go of him with a harsh gesture, hurting him. “I don’t know what to make of your apologies.” he added, starting to walk around the room, brushing his hand over a few things, as if he was there for the first time. “Now I understand why you didn’t want to talk about your job. Nice story, the bartender one, really. Perhaps, though, you should’ve lied about the club too. Maybe then I wouldn’t have found out that you’re a whore.” he inveighed, his tone altered.

“I'm sorry. The younger repeated, while he tried to swallow that word which he had heard so many times, but that said by him hurt like hell.

Arioka closed his eyes briefly, then he looked at him again.

“Really, there’s nothing else you can say? I’ve already told you I don’t give a damn about apologies, Ryosuke.”

He grabbed his arm, dragging him toward the bedroom and throwing him unceremoniously on the mattress. “Tell me.” he went on, more calm now. “What were you thinking about while you let me fuck you in this very same bed, where you let dozens other men use you? Did you think that one day you would've found the courage to tell me and that then I would've pitied you and that everything was going to be okay? Was that really what you thought?”

Those words hit Yamada, and he finally found the will to react.

He sat down on the bed, looking straight into his eyes, his lips thin and his body agitated by his breathing, which he wasn’t managing to keep in check.

“I’ve never asked anyone for compassion nor pity, Daiki.” he hissed, nervously brushing a hand through his hair, pulling on them. “I don’t do this because I have to, I do it because I chose it, because it makes more money that I’d earn with any other job. Because I didn’t have a yen and I had to do something, and you know what? If they want to pay to have me and use me, I don’t see why I shouldn’t let them. Money’s business, and so is my body for them. I'm not ashamed of it.” he said, seeing a sarcastic smirk appear on the elder’s face.

He reached him, opening his legs with his knee and settling between them, holding him by his wrists.

“Aren't you?” he asked, murmuring in his ear. He pushed his back against the mattress, bringing a hand underneath his shirts, barely grazing his skin. “You’re not ashamed of laying here every night, letting yourself be touched, be fucked, because the only thing you can do to survive and give away your body?” he leant over him as to kiss him, but he pulled back at the last moment, looking revolted. He got up, shaking his head. “If you hadn't been ashamed you would've told me since the beginning, instead of pretending to be something you’re not.”

Yamada wanted to answer.

He wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true, that he didn’t care about his judgement, that it was a way like the other to make his living, but he couldn’t.

Because it wasn’t true, because he was ashamed, and if he hadn't told him it was because he knew this reaction was coming, and because he understood it.

He had put his hopes into a lie, praying for it to last, and now that it had burst like bubble he had nothing left to defend him from the accusation in those eyes.

“Please, don’t leave.” he whispered, and to hell with what little dignity he had left, not at all confident in that request, because he knew it was going to be unheard.

“You make me sick.” Daiki told him, and there was no anger in his voice anymore, only resignation.

And just how he had arrived he left, leaving Yamada abandoned on that bed like everyone else did, making him feel the whore he was, proving how in the end men were all the same when it came to that, how he had deluded himself during the past few weeks.

He hadn't asked anything, he hadn't demanded anything from him.

Just those moments of tenderness to remind him he was alive, just for him to teach him what it meant to love and be loved.

And now, with the image of his back leaving still vivid into Ryosuke’s mind, he felt as if he had been emptied from all he had learnt, and he could only blame himself.

He didn’t want to cry, not anymore.

He got under the sheets, tired, ready for another sleepless night, ready for those nightmares he was sure were coming.

He had gotten what he wanted, he had tasted what had been forbidden to him until now.

And the bitter taste of that love and Daiki’s disgust would've stayed with him forever.


End file.
